I hate everything about you, you constantly try to make me behave like a child and work to make me seem weaker when I’m actually pretty fucking tough, in part from having put up with you for such a long time. I just doubt myself all the goddamn time and that’s your fault. I want to be better, I want to want good things, I want to move forward. I want to use the skills I have (because whatever you might say I am skilled) and your voice is in my head the whole time telling me I’m inadequate. You didn’t even have to say it sometimes, you just implied it. I worked so hard, goddamnit. And there were so many times when you’ve been helpful but so many more when everything you said filled me with so much bile, so much anxiety, so much self-doubt and now that’s what I’m left with.
The worst is that I can’t blame everything on you because that’s not how it works, I’m twenty-one, I’m a woman, I can’t just highlight my brilliant moments and blame you for all of the shit. Everyone’s telling me I don’t understand how you really felt about all of this but since when did they have a better understanding of our relationship than I do? I don’t believe in their generalisations, because they didn’t know you and didn’t know what you said about them and everything makes me feel sick about it because you just had no trust in me whatsoever. And it makes me scared to ever have kids because I’d infect them with all of this. They fuck you up, you know.