The other day I made a video about moving through physical spaces and feeling the duality of what that space is like now and how it permanently exists on some level as a sort of sacred space, with little intersection between the two. What I’m also coming to realise from the last 14 hours or so at the hotel here in Anaheim is that memory works through experiential space as well as physical space. In a number of ways, walking through this hotel and seeing the hints of the fun that is to come reminds me of the experience of walking through the Hyatt last year, trying not to vomit, trying not to make eye contact, sticking to the shadows. That feeling has, to a large extent, resurfaced. Sadness is so dominating at times, seemingly refusing the possibility of creating new experiences and intruding at the least appropriate stages. Additionally, it’s slightly frustrating to be aware of how long the roadaway from all of this grief remains. Above all, it’s very isolating and to be surrounded by some of your best friends and feel horribly alone in this makes me feel tremendously ungrateful.
Basically, I’m sad, even though I’m going to Disneyland today. Not a sentence I ever thought I’d say.