I shall never have what I want, for I lack bodily grace and the courage that comes with it. The swiftness of my mind is too strong for my body. I fail before I reach the end and fall in a heap, damp, perhaps disgusting. I excite pity in the in the crisis of life, not love. Therefore I suffer horribly…I see everything—except one thing—with complete clarity. That is my saving. That is what gives my suffering an unceasing excitement. That is what makes me dictate, even when I am silent. And since I am, in one respect, deluded, since the person is always changing, though not the desire, I do not know in the morning by whom I shall sit at night, I am never stagnant; I rise from my worse disasters, I turn, I change…in this pursuit I shall grow old.