slings & arrows

Brat

I’ve been rather whiny/acting like a five year old this week. Stress, a horrid headache that later became a terrible migraine, about three hours’ sleep a night etc. combined to make a monster. Or if not a monster then definitely a brat.

Truth is, though, I’ve been very low all week. Normally this translates into me acting either over the top happy or retreating into a shy girl mode. In this case, when I’ve had to see people and sort things out, I’ve just been snapping a lot, been even more stubborn than normal, whined all the time and generally have not been pleasant to be around.

I wonder quite often whether I’m determined to be unhappy. How pretentious and bourgeois, eh? But I suppose I have always thought that by the time I was twenty, everything would be sorted and now it just keeps getting messier. I have to push on through and I lead a very privileged life but feeling shitty and anxious and depressed happens anyway and on top of that I feel guilty for feeling these things. Guilt is my worst enemy but a constant presence in my life. My kneejerk reaction is generally guilt.

One of my sisters is moving to Spain in just over a week. I feel like I’ve spent no time with her or my nephews. I was too busy, always the excuse with me, but I’m going home next weekend for the last few days with them.

God it just upsets me, everything upsets me this week and I don’t know how to fix anything, which means more often than not I’ve just curled up and closed my eyes and wished everything away. I miss my dad, guys, I really really really miss my dad. And I hate myself for not getting back in time to see him in the hospital and I hate myself for not calling more when I was at university in the states and I just hate every shitty thing I said to him. Maybe if I’m a brat, if I pretend to be a kid… maybe I’ll become a kid. Maybe he’ll come back and I’ll get another chance.

Overindulgent wishful thinking. My speciality.

1:35 PM on Friday 24th February 2012 with 21 notes and Comments

tagged: dad sad whiny bratty